The Two Side Affair of the Silent Killer - Because Bullying Doesn't Stop on the Playground

by keh1016
(United States)

Visitor's story:

Sticks and stones right? That's what daddy said?

Keep in mind how your parents treat you, your ears open and your mouth shut and in the words of Stephen Sodheim "Children will listen". A nasty cycle in which either end of the spectrum will end up paying the consequences through the course of someone elses actions, abuser or abused - it's a biatch.

Because, it's a vicious cycle. Either you are the abuser or the abused. The story is not a pretty one. I have been on both sides.

My story, I had two parents but I was really raised by my mom and my mema up north. Then we moved down south and that was when my so-called second parent, my dad, spent time with me and it was fine until I started to learn and thinking for myself outside of his brainwashing four walls. So, when I was about 6 to 7 because "I deserved it" I was physically abused.

Then, when I was emotionally/verbally abused a little later on when I was "too young" to be beaten. I was verbally abused because "I deserved it" to the point to where I had a psychotic break and decided I didn't care anymore.

I figured as long as I was in control and get what I wanted I would be happy as long as things get my way, have narcissistic tantrum fits which people said I was "Bipolar" but I think was actually vulnerable narcissism. Anyone at school was a victimized scapegoat.

Then, when I was about 13, I just got so exhaustively, emotionally drained, about the time when the fits stopped realizing I had an emotionally absent/abusive father brainwashing my enabling, rose-colored glass wearing, blindsided by work mother that he was and would never be there for me that he needed to grow up, not me.

I was unheard and unlistened to and didn't realize how much it was affecting me. I over-ate, overslept and eventually sunk deep into a depression in my later teens and in my last few years of high school. But then I graduated from school and in a way I didn't think possible, without treatment/counselling, out of school and away from my dad I snapped out of my depression. Then, when I was practically isolated from the environment, things got better.

But then I started to see he acted and treated me just the same, just as emotionally abusive when I was younger and realized the past few years that I was on the other side of the spectrum, the abused not the emotional adolescent abuser. I was not always wrong, it was not always me, and why was it always my fault or I had to fix a conflict/problem he caused. Isn't "Always" blaming words? Screw him for making me believe that!

And to think he had me self-involved like him, I sunk down to his level, of what he taught me. I even revisited some friends and chatting via text lately who they told me their friends thought from my behavior in my teen years that I had "Daddy issues" which I did not realize until later and ambiguously grieved over.

Past two years, I've been to the point to where I unacknowledge his influence and surround myself by others worth being surrounded, who also have issues with their father so they understand as well. I adapt and disengage and I know how he thinks but don't involve myself in the drama. I've been through it all to the point to where I'm just ready to move on.

Now, I've forgiven him for what he has done but not for what he does do, to me, to my mother for she deserves better and so do I. Either way, it's a two-side affair and it's a bi-atch but what does not help nature and/or nurture is negative reinforcement. Like my uncle said, "The whole (paternal side) according to his mother, 1st grade teacher never passed the 2nd grade.

My only habit: When no one is around, Yes, I get angry or sad once in a while consistently right after something abusive he did or said, and then I realize time I'm getting angry is when he's not around I should be happy and caring about him (just him) is a waste of my time. I can't expect anything less of him, all or nothing, but I can't expect anything more at the same time either. For he does more harm than good, and the more I am away from him, the happier I am and the more of the chance I have to break the cycle.

But, still I have to thank him he has shown me who I don't want to be and I tell myself everyday-thank god for my mother's side of influence. Even though my mema's passed, my mother and her, I still feel more love from them then I do from one "parent" every day of my life combined.

For unconditional is stronger than conditional love, for the little things that make you and I use that piece of self-examined advice every day. I can understand, I have pitied, but now don't pity the narcissist/fool and I am more aware of their bs then they realize, onto their little mind games and moving onto better things where I can in the future, break the cycle and sever the ties.

I only hope you can do the same for either end of the spectrum, this story is not a pretty one and there are few survivors like me.