My Husband Is Overly Attached to His Children!

by Dee
(Canada)

Visitor's submission:

My husband is unnaturally attached to his children.

He seemed normal when I met him although his parents are definitely narcissistic! I met him while working at his dad's barber shop.

His dad really liked me but as soon as he found out his son and I were dating, he refused to speak to me. So for six months I kept working, but because of the extreme tension at work, I finally quit.

He seemed like he broke away from his parents expectations. His dad refused to speak to him and if we went to any occasion where his parents were, his dad would not even acknowledge him.

His mother puts a lot of pressure on him too!

Anyway, the pressure got to him and 5 days before we were going to get married, he broke up with me due to so much pressure from his parents.

We were broken up for 8 months with him keeping in touch with me and kept asking to get back together but couldn't fully commit. I told him to take his time to think about what he wanted and I would not pressure him. His parents were being good to him again as soon as they knew we broke up.

Anyway, long story short, he decided he really did want to marry me so he showed up to my work with tickets to Vegas and we eloped and got married!

I have two kids that were from a previous marriage and he was really good with them in the earlier part of our relationship, but when we decided to have our own child something changed in my husband.

For one thing, his parents decided to come back into our lives and I just felt like he was so over protective and unnaturally attached.

He kept pressuring me for another child, so I gave in and we had twins! I thought that maybe he would get better with more kids because we can be a bit over protective and stuff with our first child, but no, and he started pushing my kids away as time has gone on.

I am starting to become angry and so frustrated at how controlling he is and the pressure it puts on our kids. I'm angry that he pushes my older children away and hovers over his kids to try and block out any "outsiders". HELP ME!!!

Positive Parenting Ally's comment:

Dear Dee,

I can understand why you are frustrated and angry, it seems like a difficult situation that has left everybody in some level of pain.

Very often when a person becomes controlling, it's because of fear and personal insecurity. They may be afraid of losing what they have (or what they believe they have) and they believe that by holding on to people, they will be given what they think they need (love, attention, being heard, being seen etc.).

This fear and neediness results in a belief that the tighter they hold on to something, the less likelihood there is of losing it.

Very often they can feel that the controlling situation is not optimal, but they don't know what else to do. They feel that if they let go, they might lose everything which can be terrifying. And the more scared they become, the tighter their control. It's a painful circle of increasing fear for everybody involved.

From what you write, I'm not sure the extent to which you have had a good, deep conversation with your husband. If that hasn't been tried yet, that would be my first step.

What I would do, would be to gently talk to my husband (without blaming, without criticizing, which I know can be very difficult under the circumstances) and somehow see if I could find out why he might be scared; what it might be that makes him behave the way he does.

I might ask something along the lines of; 'It's seems that you are holding our children tight and using a lot energy in trying to protect them from the world, I would really like to understand you, could you please tell how you feel. Maybe there is something I can do to help you?'

This may seem like an odd strategy, but the point is to:

1) Understand what is going on inside him: True understanding can be a huge relief for everybody.

2) Having an actual conversation: Being kind and non-aggressive, non-judgmental and non-blaming increases the chance of an actual conversation rather than an argument that ends in verbal warfare.

3) See if there is something you can do to help him without compromizing yourself or your children. As mentioned, controlling people are in pain and have problems that maybe - or maybe not - you can help them with.

That would be my first step.

You may be wondering why I'm not encouraging you to tell him more about how you feel. That is definitely an option too, but given the state he seems to be in, I suspect there might be a high risk that he will see your expression of your concerns and as an attack.

If I decided to be very open and honest about my feelings, I would choose my words carefully and refrain from blaming and criticism.

But this is your call, I can't tell you what is right for you in your situation. You know better than me there.

If this isn't what you feel like, or you have tried it with no success, I would seek professional help.

If I was in so much pain and my children were suffering too, and I felt helpless, alone and desperate, I would reach out for a therapist, psychologist or counselor.

This is a big thing to feel caught up in all alone, plus there are children involved. There are many very skilled professionals out there who have a lot of experience with issues such as yours and they are more than willing to help you. Helping is what they do for a living.

I wish you and your family the very best,
Birgitte

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