Effective Parenting Skills:
Nothing Kills a Tantrum Better than Unconditional Love

1. The very first thing I do when my son has a crisis is that I mentally 'lift' myself out of situation, so to speak. Just for a short moment in order to ask myself, my gut feeling and intuition (my Wiser Self, you could call it):

   "What is it my son needs?"

   (Not, what he wants but what he needs - in my experience there's always a hidden need behind any tantrum).

   For instance:

   Does he need me to pay attention?
   Does he need to bond physically?
   Does he need to have a say in what happens?
   Is he tired or hungry etc.?

2. When I have localized the need, I try to fulfil it the best way I can.



3. Sometimes I can't localize it (for instance if I'm very tired or stressed it's difficult to 'contact' my intuition) but then I just try one thing after the other until something works.

2) Extinguish the Need for Attention with Your Shower of Unconditional Love

The situation:
When my son was about two, cooking in the evening could be quite a challenge. My son would be tired after a long day of day-care and he hadn't seen his mom all day.

So he was not happy with me cooking and not paying him enough attention. He would cry and tug my pants.

The challenge here was to not react to the expression of need (the crying and whining) but reacting to the need itself.

In this situation my son's needs were to:

• Get my love and attention, feel seen and touched ... and get fed!

My way of meeting these needs were to:

• Accept his cry for attention and affection and meet his need for me as much as possible!

This sometimes meant:

• Turning off the frying pan just to sit with him for a few minutes before returning to cooking.
  
  
• Involve him in some level of the cooking (e.g. putting food into bowls and plates).
  
  
• Initiate an interesting game in the kitchen while I was cooking.
  
  
• Letting him chew on something light like cucumber so that he wouldn't be too full for dinner.
  
  

3) Feed the Need for Respect and Understanding with Your Deep Presence and an Explanation

The situation:
One day, my dad, my son and I were out driving in my parents' car. My dad was the chauffeur and I was in the back next to my son.

My dad turns on the radio to listen to the traffic news to see which way would be the most convenient to take in order to avoid traffic jam.

After a short while my 3 year old son starts to complain: "No, I don't wanna listen to that. Granddad must turn it off!"

Now, the easy way out would be to just get my dad to turn it off. However, is it the right thing to do? No, it didn't feel like the right thing to do!

Why?

Because turning it off would mean more 'serious' consequences in the long (the risk of sitting in a jam for hours). So yes, I overruled my child's need for quiet but the consequences (long traffic jam) outmatched the short term ones (2 minutes of 'noise' from the radio).

So, we didn't turn off the radio!

Well, as you can imagine this was not popular with my son.

He starts to cry and become angry partially because he doesn't get his will and partially because he doesn't understand why!

In this situation my son's needs are to:

• Understand what's going on and feel respected!

My way of meeting these needs are to:

• Give him my full presence, looking him deeply in the eyes while giving him a thorough explanation!

I said something along the lines of:

"Listen to me, look at mom (eye contact is crucial). Granddad really wants to listen to the radio. Granddad needs to hear the news because we need to know if there will be a traffic jam. Because if there is a traffic jam ahead we will have to drive another way home. We don't want to sit in a traffic jam for hours on end, do we? So for the next two minutes granddad needs to listen to what the man on the radio says."

Now, my son didn't catch all the nuances of my explanation but the deep eye contact and full presence made him feel respected. He wasn't happy about the decision but the full explanation made him feel seen and heard. I kept talking to him until I could feel that he had accepted the situation without feeling rejected.

4) Fuel Autonomy and Responsibility
with Your Calm and Patience

The situation:
My son is about to have a bath. He's still at the stage when taking his clothes off and on is a real challenge.

I  see him struggling with his t-shirt and getting all caught up in it like a spider in its own web.

I ask him if he wants me to help him. I don't really get a response other than some muffled sound of frustration.

I come over and I hold out his sleeve so that he can pull out his arm more easily.

Well, biiiig mistake.

He becomes very angry and frustrated with my intervening.

In this situation my son's needs are to:

• Try to see if he can do it by himself (developing the feeling of 'I can') and choose himself when and if he needs my help!

My way of meeting these needs are to:

• Step back, remain calm and amour myself with what feels like patience worth a gold medal.

Looking at him, I know he can't do it but the important thing here is to let him try his best to solve his own problem (that's what we want for an adult as well isn't it?)

So I sit down and I patiently wait with my hands in my lap.

Then at some point after a lot of fruitless attempts he says: "Mom, help me!"

Now he's willing to listen to my suggestions because he was ready and reaching out for help was his own choice!

But Hey, What About Consistency, Firmness, Rules and Serious Stuff Like That?

To me, they are secondary!

And you know why?

Because nothing comes before showing unconditional love, acceptance and respect to your child.

This position is most clearly and radically expressed in the inspiring parenting style of unconditional parenting. Unconditional parenting is about looking at your kid with an unconditional positive regard.

That is not to say that basic consistency and firmness in the right situations aren't important, they most definitely are: They install a healthy sense of security and reliance on you in your kid.

But my point is that if we strive to meet our kids' needs on an overall level, consistency and firmness will be applied naturally when 'needed', you see? (Perhaps, in some situations, your child's need is consistency).

If your kid has some recurrent tantrums in specific situations, writing a parenting worksheet may be a good way to think of alternative ways of dealing with 'bad behavior in children'.

Your Own Effective Parenting Skills Worksheet

First I will present you with a non-extensive list of basic needs that your kid might have in the specific situation (the tantrum or crisis):

These are just suggestions. They are the typical needs I meet in my child:

Feel unconditional love - feel basic trust - feel secure (things / you are predictable, consistent) - attention - affection - autonomy (I want to do it by myself) - hunger - respect - exercise free will / make choices - explore - sleep - touch

Here's what you do:

You take a piece of paper and you write:

I hope you found my positive parenting tips about how to approach bad behavior in children and toddler tantrums useful.

You're more than welcome to continue your visit on my positive parenting website - se more closely related parenting articles below! 

Your Positive Parenting Ally,
Birgitte

Parent Coaching

- For Inner Peace, Clarity and a Deeper Connection to Your Child

Being a parent can feel like a double-edged sword. Life with kids may feel like the greatest gift you have ever received, while at the same being hugely challenging, often leaving you confused, stressed and overwhelmed.

When we feel like this, we've lost touch with ourselves. We can't hear our own inner voice, and it's difficult to know what is 'right' for us and how to act.

I offer in-depth parent coaching to help you regain your balance and get back in touch with yourself. From a place of inner peace and clarity, your will find your own answers which will help you reconnect with your child from a place of unconditional love and acceptance.

Read more about my parent coaching here.

Where Would You Like to Go Next?

Good Parenting Skills For the Conscious, Open-minded Parent!	What Makes a Good Parent? A Strong Cocktail of Consciousness and Love: Knowing What You Want for Your Kids and Being Those Qualities Yourself!
Healthy Parenting Insights: Reduce Potential Child Health Problems with a Physiologically Healthy Lifestyle.	Learn to Use Parental Intelligence in 5 Simple Steps: Expert guest post by Laurie Hollman Ph.D. - solving bad behavior in children with a conscious self-reflective mindset.
Perfect Parenting: My Less-than-Perfect Parenting Oops'es!

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